2012

Well, I'm in a bus at 6:11, thinking and reliving 2012 memories I had tried to kept. And.. It was awful, all the depressing thoughts, and suicidal tendencies at the start, the withdrawal in the middle but a change at the end. Well, I don't like talking about the start, it's now like a dream instead of reality for me. Plus I don't like talking about it. In the middle, I really could remember how numb I felt at that point of time and when I was talking to Dominic in McCafe, I think at that point of time I was faking emotions just for the day and when I'm at home, I'll die in my thoughts. And all the loneliness I feel, and the paranoia I had.. Even though I think I got through it, I know I can't help but not trust someone so easily. I know how it felt at that point of time, how it's like to just be sitting there hoping someone will just come over to my house and just give me a hug, all I needed was to know someone was there for me, and not just in words. I know it won't happen at that point of time because my friends at that point of time are superficial friends. I understood the pain and still is. I have so much to type, that I'll have to type later to regain my thoughts and feelings. 6:20. Now it's 6:23, and I just got back, now I get to the change, it was when Jon, me and jj wanted to go on a mission trip. But we didn't know which till the last day. I was afraid of the mission trip, how could someone so broken like me, go for one? Well, because of money prob at home, I was told I need to "work" in church to pay off what I owed for the trip. On the day I pass up my details, cord asked me to help out with batch camp as my "work" I agreed. And I was proud of it too. However I didn't know how much it changed me. Everytime we had a meeting, there would be laughters and joy, and also there would be worship and prayer, it was what I always needed but not know that I did need it. I needed joy, happiness, yet I needed prayer and worship to get close with God. Slowly without me knowing, I grew closer and I didn't felt as broken as before. I felt good, unbroken and strong. My faith grew deep and my coldness turned to happiness, I finally enjoy most people presence, but that doesn't mean I was ready for all, I still get agitated when people come over to my house, I just tend not to show it. Anw, as batch camps started and ended, I trusted in God more and learnt more about him through that. I didn't remembe about my start and middle, it was like a tale I told to myself. I felt so raw at that moment, no sadness and no brokenness in me. I don't think many people see the small change, but I really got happy because of it, I didn't have the usual, "I'm happy now but when will I not be?" Attitude, I was changed, and soon after that, I went for my mission trip, and I learnt alot about myself and them, I build bonds with farwen and ciao ping, and I knew so many little kids and it breaks my heart to know that they are more broken than I am, and at such a young age. All the broken homes and families, no fatherly love or motherly love, no one have the time for them and all they wanted was attention of one. I really wish there wasn't a problem and but it is, and I pray that God will sooner or later come into their life and bring that love and to give love. That's my 2012.. What's yours?

Extreme at both sides

I've been thinking what the evangelist casually said about me, when talking to us during our last lunch together as a group. He said that he could that some of us can control our emotions while some like me, would only be at the most extreme end of being peaceful and when I get angry, it goes the opposite extreme end. But that's scary, after thinking it through, I always have controlled my anger since my talk with my mom about my past anger issues. But I guess its true, because I bottled up and sometimes when I feel angry or sad, I would feel like destroying the whole place or cry it out. But I always  bottled it up again before I get to that part.. so cheers i guess

Christmas Is NEAR

Today's Christmas eve! Tmr Christmas! Yesterday(Sunday) we had a sermon on the meaning of Christmas, its really cool how its explained, that Christmas is a reminder that God haven't left us, and its showing God's initiative to come to us in Christ. Theres many ways I wanted to spend Christmas eve, but I guess I'm gonna go the beach, go to my spot, light candles, and just reflect, stone, listen to music and rest there. Hmm I never really properly celebrated Christmas, I know there's gift exchange, and santa claus, a christmas tree, but I never experience one before, maybe next time:) christmas sweaters look really nice and festive tho. This year, I realize my family don't normally celebrate any special occassions, even if they tried  with National Day. hahalol

Mission Trip, Chiang Rai

Chiang Rai was AWESOME, I didn't really felt God's presence there, but I know it was there. It felt great waking up to do something for God, and how there was a group of people-friends, over there to do it with you. The weather over there was super cool, literally. One night while we were worshipping under the stars, it was 12 degrees! but its cool, pun intended. The children at maesalonai(idk how to spell) and the teenagers in mechan Church, were awesome! Felt so welcome and loved there. Then at the Akkar village, I really feel for them, the teenagers has nothing much to do in the holidays so they smoke and drink sometimes drug their time away. And the children that we played with there, someday will do the same.. however there's 4 churches, and they were ONE once, so I pray that one day they will reunite and help the village:/ I really can't take how much the children need love, compassion and more, but there's no way for them to find out about it, in their situation, I really pray God will be there, watching over  them.

We all are hiding something

Its kinda scary but its true. Maybe its good maybe its bad, but its still hiding. Hmm, i ain't really hiding anything. I just don't find the need to show them around. Somehow, I got a sudden drop in my chest just now. It felt so scary, cos since the start of preparation of batch camp, I don;t seem to have a problem. And at the end of my batch camp, I thought I made peace within myself and God and the burden. I feel so muddled up in my head right now. Plus controlling myself for a long time now.

Incredible week:)

I think this suppose to go to the"happyblog" but I lazy find for it. sooo, this few weeks, been in church help/plan for batch camp(like sec 1 camp, sec 2 camp etc etc.)  Busy packing and buy stuff that requires effort and energy but it's a God-filled activities. So yay, and I got closer to Jx through this too. Camp meetings are the shiok-est, cos we got to do worship and then, we get to sit down for hours, once we sat for 6 hours plus for a meeting and it was good hahah, I found out that I like work, being busy let me forget things and the people in the comm are fun and friendly so in matter of meeting up, became good friends haha, anw camp in another 2 days and staying over in church just so I won't oversleep again hahaha shiok! And I feel like I'm making full use of my holidays well, even though my whole body aches after the whole day of work. But still I can't sleep much,even now I wanted to sleep around 10 but in the end waking up, Dom suggested me to do QT so I did, and wow, proverbs 18 is like talking to me about sat. Oh, lets go to that, Saturday, well worship service was good but I needed to go to help the P6s with their "games day". so boo. The games was fun but I was lenient so mehh, my leader was the commandent, so he had to try to control the kids but he got frustrated. And then cell was small, very small. Its like 6 guys and there were 5 girls but they were contemplating whether or not to go, and they were close to leaving church, and my leader got even more frustrated and lost his mood. That was freaking mood dropper. However they came for cell, and we had worship. Worship was good but as soon as I kneeled and pray, thoughts on all the things that happen to me like people leaving, me or cell. It came to me so fast I couldnt stop crying and it was messy but not so messy. I feel more better after crying and now less paranoid. And proverbs 18 was relatable to me on that. When Dom said that God was always there for me and stuff, I broke down even more, cos I realize I pushed him away but He still wants me after that, I couldn't stop crying, People leaves, friends leave but He never did, and I know that, I just didn't accepted it.. I feel so much better after that. Less sad, which I guess its good. I'm gonna trust in Him and more. ^^





You didn't want to talk to me, its okay, i guess. As long as you're happy :)

Not all pain can be felt

What a night, so quiet and only my songs are playing and thoughts just buzzing around, I don't mind it actually, I'm not so alone at night now since now I don't have to lie on my bed and just count the seconds passing. Even if its sad or disturbing, I know I can control myself from doing stupid things. I don't trust the phrase," I'll be there for you". Its an empty promise that both parties believe. But time or space, maybe thinking will make one of the party to think twice about that promise. Someone may  found someone else better and find another a bother, so they will drift apart, and the promise the other person hanged on to will be useless. But if the person that kept the promise that he will always be there but the other party decided that maybe they don't trust the other cause of reasons then, he left there hanging knowing that the other person is troubled, but doesn't want to tell him. Wouldn't he start also get tired of this? It's hard to find someone that will ALWAYS be there for us. But maybe it's harder for us to be there for someone else. And if I ever been like that, I'm sorry, so so sorry:/

Letting it out

Dom told me, when you're gonna let out what you bottled up, it will be messy, but so far opening up was quiet and neat, and I guess its because I wasn't being honest enough. Maybe one day, it will be.

The thing that brought us together will be the thing that tears us apart.

Friends don't last, relationship don't last. I was wondering why, and I realize that the thing that pull us together is going to be the thing that tears us apart. Example, when you met a friend that plays games with you, and when suddenly one starts to stop playing, the friendship suddenly goes missing. Its like they don't know each other anymore. Close friends have much worse effect on us, once everything falls apart, apart of you will go with them. Not the missing them type. The type when they leave but yet they know you inside out. They can use your secrets against you. People leave eventually, maybe its better not to get too close with them just so you won't get hurt. Maybe that's the reason relationship don't last, and one person always will be hurt. Something so delicate to be so dangerous. Maybe its not finding someone that will be with you through thick or thin. Maybe I just gotta find myself first.

what I've learnt

Bottling up sucks, even writing it down is hard. Sometimes, I just get angry for no reason, and that's the point I always remind myself to bottle it back again as soon as possible. Just typing this got me so fidgety, like I want to stop but i'm posting this to remind myself why bottling up is bad in the future. Even though I'm still doing it now. Well, first thing is you'll get super sensitive and everything people say will become personal to you, Bad or Good, it will always be there with you in your mind. At times, you just hear songs that makes you emotional, too emotional that you choose to bottle it up again, even if its the reason you got emotional. You will leak, as in not cry but all the emotions you kept in will leak out, sometimes you get all sad for no reason, sometimes you want to punch someone in the face, sometimes,you just want to hide away till it gets better.. For now, I'm hiding, hiding my emotions, hiding myself from the outside, but i don't need to hide from my school friends, cos they don't really care. so yeah. And remember, to remember when you're finally happy, remember that felling and why, cos that's gonna keep you strong till the next time you're happy. So have fun reminiscing your past, and congrats for getting this far..

All I saw was a coward, giving up when it got tough, but then I realise I was doing the same.


Thanks alot, "dad"

So now, I'm having a hard time expressing how I feel. I can't find the courage or words to express them to anyone. I wanted to tell someone, but then they were all busy, or having fun or they just got their own lives that excluded me, for me to tell them how I felt. I hate bottling my feelings up, cos I keep forgetting why I'm like that, I forget the reason but the feelings stays. But that isn't why I am so down.. I've been feeling this 'new' feeling for days, my chest gets heavier even around people.I feel like I don't belong, or I'm just not part of anything. Maybe one day, I'll get use to the loneliness. Somehow, I feel like people only talk to me, when they need something, or just need some company. Sometime, I think people don't care about me anymore, sometimes I hope someone does. My thoughts aren't so straight now, all tangled up. I can't talk properly otp to my mom just now, I wanted to cry.. But I just stop that and talk "normally" then when she hang up, I felt to low. My whole chest feel so heavy and my head won't stop hurting. I'm already controlling my cutting since I promise her. But still.. the urge just stays on. chatbox person I kinda guess who you are now. I feel so helpless to feel like this.. but hais FISH, fuck it shit happens. Oh and my eoy was like shit tho I'm promoted, I failed my overall and I'm in the last 20 in my level so yay me.

Astronauts

They are very interesting people. They are in space, they have to trust people that's with them in the rocket. They have to put up with new, old, interesting people and they have to get use to each other. When they step out of the rocket in space, they have to face the fear of falling all the way back to earth. The fear that once they let go, they can't get back up but trust what others say that they will float. They visit places that not many have the chance to go, they experience struggles and success in one trip. It's like the temporally died and they know who would miss them, just by returning. They still communicate through phone calls and video chats but it isn't the same as facing each other in real life. The friends and family, close ones, they will have to let them go outer space, losing them for a period of time, treasuring them even more when they come back to Earth. Astronauts are like the campers of space..

Wouldn't it be nice? To have someone always by your side? They can be your friend, good friend, close or best friend. They could be your sister, brother even your parents. Guy or girl, just that someone you can turn to, and know they could turn to you too. Wouldn't that be nice? Don't you like the idea of that?  They simplicity of just having that friend to have your back from now till you both grow up and yet still be close as ever? They won't sell you out, they won't leave you for other friends? And you doing the same? One part dies in each of you two once you get separated, be it by choice or chance..  I had friends who were there for me for awhile but then they had their own lives and I wasn't part of it, some was because of difference in school and timing, some because they got bored with me and found interesting friends, some know me when they need me and forget me when they don't. Some saw me just another friend, I don't know whether I'm paranoid, or its true.. but people do leave and its hard to keep track of those who leave. It use to be nights that thoughts come in but now.. even in day around people, the thoughts don't leave

Hi, lol. How do I start this? I can say I'm alone, no one cares, and you know why? I can tell. Look if its him or her who starts tweeting about how bad their life is, ppl will tweet to them, just to comfort them. they even comfort each other so yay them. I still like her, but I guess she likes someone else... so oh well. I know I tried and at least, I could say that. And going back to no one cares about me, I guess thats what I learn this year, "you only can depend on yourself, no one really cares for you even if they do, its only for awhile till they  get bored of you." That.. and becos I keep it in, bottled up. so yeah.. kthxbye

please stay

I know I stop posting posts here for a long time, well that's cos I realize no one cares. It hard to accept that, thats why I didn't tell anyone about how i  am for a while. I lied to my leader saying im just tired from my camp. and he ask me to go home rest, I said nahh i lazy, but i knew that once im alone in my room. all the thoughts come back to haunt me, and soon i realize i wasn't good enough, not for anyone or anything. I can't give up  though. But I don't feel like continuing... im not asking for pity or anything.. im just letting out some piece of my mind

..

I know why I'm a failure and a mistake. I disappoint, I'm not brave. I don't do what I say, I can't keep commitment. I over-think. But I guess it's true that I'm not good enough, never was. I'm scared shitless about my future and wouldn't do a thing about it. I know everyone's imperfect, but wth? I'm like full of shit. Plus I watch What would you do? Eps.. it nice to see that there are still people who care for one another, but it sucks to know that I wouldn't have done the same. I wanna be a better person, I wanna change, I know I'm not a badass or "gangster" or cool like my friends are, but at least now I know what I wanna be. oo and I wanna go to mission trip for the right reason.. I shall pray for that, I finally found a goal of some sort, for now.. I hope it helps

I really feel like nothing at night. Whenever I'm in school, I feel so alone no matter if my friends are ard, cos they got their own friends so I just pretend nothing's wrong, so there won't be unnecessary trouble. Then I guess, they took it for granted. Today, Aimran bao za cos of us the group so distant and stuff liddat. Then we "settle" is within an hour. They gave analogies about how I pangseh them, how I go out with my church friends, then they said sarcastically, "church" friends. I never even mention how they pangseh me for their own group of friends. I really dk what the shit I did. You guys always have your own friends, I decided not to disturb you or bother you. Then now blame me for pangseh-ing haish maybe I'm overthinking, but really.. I wish I had better friends. You only know me when you need me after that.. whoosh. -.-

I feel so angry at myself, I know other people have it worse than me, but... yeah nvm. I hate posting my problems now, it just makes me feel like an attention seeker, and I don't think people will care. so yeah, pssh i wish i could let some feelings go permanently, instead of bottling it up. I wish I could and I would but its hard to tell who's the real deal and who's just another passer-by. I wish i could share, now i feel like a girl lol     
I'm always close to tears..

The fuck

I feel fucking worthless, and this is the reason I was fucking happy when I didn't have to go. Today was another fucking waste of time, I see what I didn't want to see, I feel like shit, friends? What fucking friends? They all have their own friends. They wouldn't care less about me I wouldn't care for me either. Well fuck this fucked up feeling. Fuck myself. Fuck what I think. And fuck how I feel. Fuck my feelings and let me just die in an accident. It's better that way too.

Everyone's equal. Not?

Well that's a sweet lie that everyone can make it. But the bitter truth is not all of us can, if we all could. There will be only high ranking jobs for everyone. Don't say we all can make it, cos some people get the short end of the stick. What about all the classes in society. In planes we have economy class, first class. Every budget terminals. Don't say we're all equal, society made us think we're equal while we are already classified by them into this classes

Feel so...

Idk the word, crazy? Insane? Depressed? I need an escape from my mind, a escape that could get rid of all my worries. You know how boys have egos? No matter how big or small they all have one. And that makes boys, boys. Cos ego give them character and confidence. Well, i lost mine. Now, all the pent up emotions starts to take a toil on me. They said it will affect me soon enough. And it is. Right now. I start losing control of what's in front of me, like when you're drawing, I start to hold harder and lose control of the pencil. It's like getting angry at someone for no reason. I know it's my fault all this happen. I just don't need someone to point it out. I needed somewhere to put part of my mind to rest. So I just made this post. I'm still controlling even though it's not a good job. Okay.

Middle of examinations

In the middle of mid year exams I don't has any stress cos I'm doing it any of it ;D well cos I got mc. Hais the constant wanting to talk to you in school or face to face really kills me. well, cell isn't getting any better. Sure we hang out on Saturdays and when one of us actually plans something among ourselves there'll ppl who thinks its cool not to go. If got valid reason.. Okay uh:/ but it's just a personal activity between both of you it's like selfish.. Most of you wrote you want the cell to grow closer towards family and friends the area. And I'm the only who said idk what I want it to be. Trust me when I say I don't trust you guys. Many things shows me that I shouldn't trust you guys. But many shouldn't trust me either then. Trust is really hard now.. Argh.. Forget it. I wonder who you like trololol, oh well, good luck to you ppl with exams ;)

Faith hope love

Something went wrong during this month I just dk what was it.. I lost faith, faith in people and God yeah cheesy.. I went to church still but I can't pray or anything. I went for the alter call too, its just doesn't feel right. Subsequently losing Hope. I mean what if He really did forsaken me? I know it's stupid but what if? Ha. I know many people wouldn't want me. But it's okay, I wouldn't want me either. My trust fro me is very little now, that's why I only talk to limited people. Yeah I'm that messed up. Sometimes I cont talking to them cos they dk what's going with me and if I just stop it'll make them curious not concern. So love, I wouldnt put my hopes up on it, cos faith hope love are all connected well, you lose one of them you start to lose all.. That's why I try my best to talk to ppl I love, or those I still trust.. Which is a hand full. 2 hr naps make me have nightmares and think things that i didn't know..

What's up man?

I guess I was disturbing you thats why you didnt reply me. Anywho, it's hard to share my feelings or how I feel to others it's hard and no one cares.

Mye

Sigh it's hard to not feel "extra". Hard to fit in, having the thinking that it's hard to trust others, probably im hut a hi-bye friends to lots plus MYE is Tmr, sigh studied and still feel like its not enough cos of bad memory...

Empty

Went though the week feeling like shit. And on top of that I tried hiding it, cos no one cares anw do why bother? Did many stupid stuff got into trouble, not because of the stupid stuff thou.. Fuck my life, seriously.

saw this on Youtube, Talking to the moon lyrics

'I'm sorry I'm too impatient. I'm sorry I'm not a good guy that could wait. I'm sorry my efforts aren't good enough to move you. I'm sorry I can't endure pain. I'm sorry but I'm just too paranoid. I'm sorry I gave up on you.

But you're the only one that ever made me feel this way. I just wished we were together...'

I feel him, haha i know how impatient it is to wait on her, Man sometimes it sucks that and I get paranoid by it and thinking you found someone better, but I guess I just holding on still :p yep... cool

Alone does not equal to loneliness

Awesome, dk why I ystd so emo, and insecure and scared at night, anw I had the whole day in school to think through things, so I kinda emo-ed my whole day, some ppl ask whats wrong I just say I'm sick, which was kinda true too.. Anw I thought through, man... Since I dont have much friends now, I can go out and have those alone times in the airport or cafe doing homework or studies, maybe chillax and read a book and do things I always wanted to do. Maybe if someone wanna join me, I don't mind but I don't think anyone would want to do that, but it's a cool idea, so I'm gonna study, read a book, chillax somewhere alone, during one of the days I guess, probably off my phone too:) haha awesom!

Friends-ception

I have a group of friends, who each of them have their own group of friends, and idk how to make friends with them, so fuck. Haha, it's awkward to talk to them, and my friends now just hang out with their own friends more, and me hanging out with my Malay friends all, make me feel like a sore thumb cos they normally talk in Malay to each other, I learnt some words but I cant sense the belonging feeling still, so... Idk I think I lost my friends alr, or on the verge, so fuck. Haha

Where you all go?

Really? One of our cell mate is getting ready to be baptized today, and you all are just at dte, just to watch a stupid movie?! Some may have valid reason, like parents don't allow them to go out, but you all can go out and you chose a stupid movie out of the your own cell mate baptism? Dafuq man, it's like having your own clique and coming to church just to have your own gathering amoung yourselves...

sorry:/

I just want you to be happy and cheered up, if I can't do and someone else can, I rather you to be happy, I mean if you stay and not be happy,I rather you to be happy, I dont know why but I think I'm in love with you, I mean i told you I like you but I never told you I love you, cos idk if you feel the same.. Im sorry for not talking to you in the past, you're always with your friends talking I just dk how to talk to you when you're alr so happy with them, I just feel glad you're happy, and smiling but I want you to be happy all the time.. I'm sorry I start trying to talk to you just recently Idk I have no guts ever to talk to you, I just dk how, cos I'm that shy.. Yeah many don't believe me cos I never shown that I shy but I am.. I dk why but when you let me otp with you I'm just so happy,even the letter you gave me I kept it close to me like a treasure.. but idk if you do this stuff just cos you pity me or something.. I dk.. Idk how to feel and think still after that thing, but my feelings for you didn't change idk why.. I want to be close to you but if you're happier without me I rather that, so yeah this me being vulnerable and yeah you're beautiful, I fell for you cos of your smile and your cheerfulness, I'm sorry if I made you feel lousy or I can't help you but I hope you smile and be happy cos that's the best thing you can do for yourself.. Ifyou like someone else alr, go for it, I believe he's gonna be better that me..Idk how to end it soo..yeah

ni hao

I thinking of making new blog, but more of rainbows and butterflies, haha kidding, but yeah less emo emo stuff and try more optimistic posts... Okay wait till I make a new blog first then we're talk more about it

You give love a bad name

ahh shucks, keep on blogging this few days, fuck. Haiz i feel worthless, still feel like a bother to others. damn fucked i swear, I still want try, but it gets harder and harder each time, you got so many guys ard you, I just for textin nia. Now i dont feel like texting ppl anw feel like im annoying. sigh fuck, my friend kena suspended indirectly my fault.. sorry uh, I wonder if i can help tmr:/

blog blog blog

Why everytime always so depressing, yeah probably cos I'm tired of it, actually at everything. I'm not mad disappointed or even sad, thats cos i alr think of whats the worst thing could happen, and it sucks that it usually goes that way.. But really tired, Idk why i cried in cell tho, it didn't change anything inside me. And I really dk how to go school tmr, like see everyone there, I'm not scared of them, just afraid of the looks people will give me. Yeah, fuck. Monday's gonna be depressing. Damn shld stop cussing soon too.

"Happy" birhday

Yeah so, my birthday just past, and when there's birthdays theres bash.. and I could take bashes till they hit my face. Like fuck? They hit my face and I'm not suppose to retaliate? Somemore you say you use full force on me and all I got were bruises, haha so, I'm not scared to see you all cos I went through it once and I still okay. I won't agitate anyone on mon, gonna talk with those that asked what happen and stuff. and now, i try not to say anything on the comp about, but i know no one reads my blog so yeah just for me. Feel like a bother when mr singh keep scolding me when I kept quiet and say i forgot many things about it.. Cos like everythings so hazy after the shit happen, so i felt like a bother that they have to take care of, parents starts asking stupid question, mr singh is a good cher, but i really hated the noise back then but I just kept quiet. sigh came back some ppl tell me im stupid to fight back against them, i tried not to answer but i know, i will try, or die trying. I won't be like the rest whole just cower and let them beat at least put up a fight. gahh fuck it. sucha mess, monday is when its gets complicated. I wanna know i can get through it. Idk if ppl will help me or them but, yeah, i really dont give a fuck, my studies sucks, i feel empty, idk anything, idk how to feel or think alr, i just know, something will change.

shucks

yeah fell sick today, so did nothing today at all.. yesterday my friend ask me why i havent gone to help out for a long time, guess i'm tired frm school and stuff, just needed that day off.. yeah cried in cell worship, just felt like im in a mess, meaningless and tired. yeah they tried to comfort me but i just brush them aside.. kinda a jerk to them.stupid lol so had a fun bbq needed to manipulate aisyah to PRP and distracting her, so did a dance dare lots of stupid stuff haha yeah bad and good day.. guess it had been hard for you, being sick and every week going there, i only can support you, so jyjy :)

what...

Hmmm past few days, i feel messed up, I don't know whats wrong with me tho.. I just start doubting everything, yeah even people, even though I don't show it. Yeah, to me, people care because they don't want another episode what happen, they don't care about me.. yeah pretty selfish for me to say that, but no one reads my blogs so, i dont think this will affect anyone. No one cares, that's the sad truth.. I know how it feels when you're at your lowest thats why I kept my company to those who are down... It's ironic that, we want to be left alone yet need company.

Had fever today, slept for awhile in recess. yeah k, so yeah what a nice day i had, over thinking and negativity kills me inside, at least I braced for the worst before it happen.. yeah

Am I that fucking disgusting?

I can feel it, how everyone just treats me like I'm a fucking disease.. I can see it in school, home and friends.. Just tell me to leave you alone I will, for school teachers you fucking bear it for another 2 years.. cos i want to study and learn, no matter what kind of looks you give me. My family, you just have to tell me you regretted having a son like me, I'll gladly leave. Since all of you hate me so much, I know whatever happens you guys won't fucking care.

Ni hao

HI, i'm gonna fail my chem ct tmr cos I didn't bother listening to fatimuas/z i forgot if s or z, haha cross my finger on physic tho.. Yeah just learnt how to post posts on blog with comp :O Hi isabel, gws :D haha thats all for you! sigh no phone for a month and so far no spare phone i feel so light without a weight in my pocket :O haha idk whether to be happy or sad for that D: oh well wish me luck that i can pass my physic and chem, faiz teach me tmr i hope :P

death

Hey, yeah I was thinking, just thinking, if I ever get cancer, I won't tell anyone, I won't go for treatment, I will live the Day to the fullest, and now, I think why don't I live it to it fullest now? I won't tell anyone I got it cos I would just be a bother to them, and before I die, I would write my death letter, I know my death would be a trouble to others, so a simple funeral would be good, last a day then you guys can get on with your life. Hey, don't mourn that I'm dead, rejoice, cos I would have lived my life. All the wrongs I have done to you, I ask you to forgive me and remember the times, all the good times we had together:) yeah thx bye.

Dad

Today sibei sian, wake up nia my father angry like sai, cos my sis's dog peed on the floor, cos no one brought it down to pee and shit. Well, we actually suppose to go church then he wanted to chase tw dog out, so I skipped church to bring it walk ard, then my mom told me to bring it to my aunts house which is near where I was._. I stayed there with the dog till 1, Vincent called my phone and woke me up when to go buy stuff for class farewell party, then went to play block catching near Loyang point, then went home Sleep, then woke up, from aftnn till evening he didn't come home, I'm afraid, I don't want to be like him, running off bec it's seems like troubles ahead, I really don't want to be like him, it's just wrong to be like him.. If the phrase is true, like father like son, I don't want to be his son._. yeah, that may be the reason why I try to be happy no matter how sad the situation is, I just know it can be better, why can't he?

sighpie

Well got scolded in assembly, stupid reason, but when that happens teachers will come and ask you, do you have no shame? Yeah i didn't reply her but I was thinking about it all the time, the only shame I have is when I see ppl just walking past someone who just need help, I mean only those shamelessness one will be not afraid to help and stand out, i rather be shamelessness and embrace the good and back side of it. Okay? So shame isn't really a bad thing to me now.. And an other matter, I really want to keep trying, just tell me you haven't given up on me yet okay?:) yeah that's all have fun with the rest of your weekends

Boo

Hello piggy :) reckon you're asleep now. So hey! (: just wanna say I'm sorry for ignoring you, I know you tried. I'm sorry, I'm shy, im me :/ I'm weird, heheh.. So yep, you can give up on me, I'm not gonna stop you. Just saying I'm sorry for ignoring you&everything. >< okay, have a great day tomorrow. Hope you don't get angry at me posting here too ): okay bye<3

what really happened

I slept through the whole aftnn and when I woke up, I just think through everything, I tried, guess you have someone else alr.. Oh well, and I really realize that the world is often trying to get a good reputation in their so called, "society". Really? When did statuses and positions we get define who we are? And there are ppl who just judge each other, I see it as only Perfect Ones could judge us, really, if you're perfect, then you get the rights to judge. While judging others, do you know that others will be judging you too? Love them cos it's right, accept them cos they are being who they are, Cherish them, cos they may be the last of the true "people" that are like this, okay now my head is in a mess, kk bye have fun

26 jan

Today uh, today is Layyeng birthday and Syafiq one also, yeah sad net ball lost but jyjy uh, I find it awkward tryna cheer ppl up sia:/ Bryan kok teach me how play basketball, and i still suck at it HAHA so today halfway thru edwin choo and mdm heryati call me out talk to me, i just respectd mdm heryati but now edwin cos she no problem mah, yeah she left eventually then he ask me why i like so rude to him or why i dont like him, i just said i hate his attitude and the way he talks, yeah straight in the face-.- soo the other thing is, I pep-talk myself just to get courage to talk, then I got ignore, ha won't you lose courage too? Yeah not a good day but I had worse

Friends

Been thinking alot today since I got alot of free time, cos 4-5 friends pangseh me LOL. Yeah to many a good or close friend is someone who's there for you. But to me, a close or good friend is someone that can just spent time with me, doing stupid stuff or just chilling. Yeah, it's kinda awkward for me to ask ppl out cos it's like I feel like I'm bothering them. So often, I will be at home sleeping or just chilling on the sofa alone, or now with the dog. Yeah I'm not referring to ^ who pangseh me haha I know you good friends. So yeah, I kinda depressed myself the whole day, yay. So yeah, bye ppl who don't read my blog:) my friend below post very cute uh? Haha

peeekabooooo

hi friends! :D im matt's cute friend posting ^^ and yep. hello!! :D cny today. hmm. said I would go to sleep after this. but, shhh. hhehe I'll try my best not to. so yah, cny. share your $$ with me uh richboy :D thank you very nice. I is a pro :3 matt's a noob! x) okie bai bai 新年快乐!! <: hehehe byebye <3 imma secret, shhhh $:

CNY

yay cny. Idk, this like the first time i actually interacted with my relatives besides collecting ang bao:p well today was good, nothing to get off my chest and i had like 100++ now, i know compare to others i not alot but haha to me, im a rich boy. haha here's a quote from a song i was listening when going to my aunts house, You can count your money but let me count my blessing. Haha rich words just there, I'm kinda thankful that I still have a home to go back to, sometimes. haha bye

people i hate

Y'know, I hate many types of people, that's maybe why I don't get along with many people and teachers, yeah, if you're gonna tell me, you aim to make our class win something, I lost repect for you, I rather you say you want us class to bond, but look you said in the way you really wanted it to happen, even though I realize that, i can't say anything. And whenever I hear teachers say no matter what you did in the past, I won't judged. Kay FUCK YOU, I seen all the way you have need looking at me, I don't say a thing cos it's seems petty and you always will have the upper hand to win the situation. Another type is when they are loud mouth, seriously, if it's not funny or not gonna help us with our class, keep your fat ass mouth shut. Y'know, i can't say im perfect, but I judge before knowing them, but most of the time, I seem correct. The things i hate about myself is that, I'm awkward and feel like shy scared to help others, sometimes i can do it, but other times, I really try to fight my mind and body and go there and help. Yeah, I hate going school now, cos I'm like a loner, my friends follow the seniors now, and I feel awkward with them so I lepak with Faiz all, haha but still awkward:/ another type I hate, is they can say ALL you want and again don't dare do it. Yeah keep saying you want slap my face, I shown you my side of my cheek all the time and yet you dw, get a life dude -.- yeah I suddenly got better in maths and I suck at physics, somedays I really feel like punching people. Yeah k thnks, bye have fun weekend

can lose what you didnt have

I miss the old times, I miss how you could tell me stuff and I just try and help, but now it's like you rather have someone else for help, yeah we don't talk much in school, guess it's my fault. Yeah, it irritates me that sometimes.. Agh forget it, maybe got reason why can't tell me, either way, i just feel like a person you text cos you're bored. Yeah, freaking tired, haven't slept properly since Monday though..

week end.

Emotional Saturday, all the o'lvl people all gone off, gonna miss their stupidity:/ well we juniors plan the grad for them, but it was messy, haha but at least they all had fun:) then Dom went to lie to us again, first was to Joel that the cell is splitting up, then he's not staying although he can:( but he's staying so yeah frigging happy when he said he is:') gonna miss someone less in cell, then sunday was my dad's birthday. Haha I realize I've been using this often, okay back to the main thing, just smsed him happy birthday and ta daa good start then later in the evening I was playing fighting with him, long time since we did that, I'm a skinny boy and he's a fat man, he swept me of my feet and sprain my leg, not serious but its very discomforting D: haiz then the thing troubling is, when you ppl you know fought, like why can't you get along? Idk I felt like I made matters worse by accident:/ man Im so sorry if I did, prolly no one gonna see this but I'm gonna try to help them patch?I hope:/ well mon I'm gonna try talk to her:o I pray that they both will be better soon:( c'mon game face! I cant excel in studies maybe I can do something about friend problem. I really don't mind doing anything, all you need to do is ask. Man, I really don't get some guys and most girls, I like living in my own world, Kay I'm randomnaising again. Cheer up ppl, life: it goes on:)

Crying

Idk whether it's good or bad, I just can't cry cos I'm sad, down, discourage, disappointed. Well, I wish I could, so I know I'm still human. Well to be honest, even though I don't cry, my heart always tears apart but I couldnt show it, even if I wanted to cry, I couldn't. All of the feelings are left forgotten and bottled up inside, so pri 4-5 I cried then I stop till sec 2, during the dec holidays, it felt bloody good to let it out, but soon after that new pain came in. Yeah, but the last time I cried I was in a church cell camp thingy, so this time I trusted God in it. Well still haven't cried. And many things I done this few weeks I really just say, do or even fight for it, just because I know, i have to take the risk. If i didnt we will know what's gonna happen:) so yeah cheers

quick summary of my day

Today was a school holiday cos of good o'lvl results, and went to meet joel, ate at macs joke here and there, when his house played studied alil, played beyblade, which is fun but I think I sat at the dusty corner my enzema acted up cos asthma to me, but I was still laughing whenever I cough, makes me look high, and a drug addict. Cool, came home in discomfort, got the inhaler, used it felt better but still have a swollen right eye, and my running nose plus cough go alittle bit better. Here's something I learn, don't wallow in self pity, you only stop yourself from moving forward, accept it and do your best, dad that's for you. Kay bye

TGIF

I'm always at fault here, I always get into troubles from teachers and students. I kept everything to myself, I never made noise till today, hey, the hometutors said they won't judge, and yet I felt judge. It's the way they look at me. It pisses me off so much. And I'm trying not to judge anyone, my chem teacher, my hometutors, my classmates. I can respect you if you respect me. I don't care how big or how small you are, how old or young you are, how ugly or nice looking, what race you are, what's your skin color. You respect me, I respect you back. You see me, moody in school? Yeah this is my reason. Kay peace have fun in the weekends

Sec 3, the suckish feeling

First, I alway say stuff here, cos no one normally reads it, hey, it look like attention seeking if you post on twitter or Facebook, or maybe pathetic. Yeah, but if I don't express myself, I just feel more pathetic. So I have this blog, and not alot of people reads it, so here it goes. I really don't feel part of the class, but I don't mind that, at least I got friends, I sit right at the end at a corner which I like, but it's far from them. So, most of the time in class, I kept quiet. The classes are mostly boring, I pull through most of them tho. I don't look like I have many things on my mind, but in my mind constantly racing around subjects, grades, my crush, will I make it to good school and stuff. So I just stop talking about my crush, I started studying like siao. Yeah, remember that I felt left out? I know God's with me but I just cant feel it. I really hope someone or something is gonna help me. Wish me the best for my studies:) hope I get the peace in my mind soon

Isabel tay hui xin! (correct or not?)

You fun sia, anw here's your post, and your post only. Haha happy bo? Ceyh, anw yeah your church gave you the joyfulness thingy, they were right. You got like alot of friends and stuff and yeah I didn't like it, I fell for it. Haha if you get what I mean:p lucky no one reads this man, or else I shy sia. my cat picture on top nice or not?:D haha you want short or long post? I take it as long bah. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you like it? Hope you had a fun during holidays, and good luck in school and seeing her, all the best! :)

hey there

Y'know what, I really fell in love. Hahah

school reopening

Truth be told, I'm scared for school, not cos of work and stuff, I'm just afraid of my social life. Half of my friends are going to a different class, including my closest friend and the most fun one. The one I'm still with are still cool, but I haven't kept touch with them during the hols. Yeah, somehow i became shy again, after meeting her. Yeah dk why I still use this though. At least I don't tweet/fb/ tumblr it. It makes it look attention seeking. Yeah let Your will be done with me, oh and pls give me the boldness and courage to step out.