2012

Well, I'm in a bus at 6:11, thinking and reliving 2012 memories I had tried to kept. And.. It was awful, all the depressing thoughts, and suicidal tendencies at the start, the withdrawal in the middle but a change at the end. Well, I don't like talking about the start, it's now like a dream instead of reality for me. Plus I don't like talking about it. In the middle, I really could remember how numb I felt at that point of time and when I was talking to Dominic in McCafe, I think at that point of time I was faking emotions just for the day and when I'm at home, I'll die in my thoughts. And all the loneliness I feel, and the paranoia I had.. Even though I think I got through it, I know I can't help but not trust someone so easily. I know how it felt at that point of time, how it's like to just be sitting there hoping someone will just come over to my house and just give me a hug, all I needed was to know someone was there for me, and not just in words. I know it won't happen at that point of time because my friends at that point of time are superficial friends. I understood the pain and still is. I have so much to type, that I'll have to type later to regain my thoughts and feelings. 6:20. Now it's 6:23, and I just got back, now I get to the change, it was when Jon, me and jj wanted to go on a mission trip. But we didn't know which till the last day. I was afraid of the mission trip, how could someone so broken like me, go for one? Well, because of money prob at home, I was told I need to "work" in church to pay off what I owed for the trip. On the day I pass up my details, cord asked me to help out with batch camp as my "work" I agreed. And I was proud of it too. However I didn't know how much it changed me. Everytime we had a meeting, there would be laughters and joy, and also there would be worship and prayer, it was what I always needed but not know that I did need it. I needed joy, happiness, yet I needed prayer and worship to get close with God. Slowly without me knowing, I grew closer and I didn't felt as broken as before. I felt good, unbroken and strong. My faith grew deep and my coldness turned to happiness, I finally enjoy most people presence, but that doesn't mean I was ready for all, I still get agitated when people come over to my house, I just tend not to show it. Anw, as batch camps started and ended, I trusted in God more and learnt more about him through that. I didn't remembe about my start and middle, it was like a tale I told to myself. I felt so raw at that moment, no sadness and no brokenness in me. I don't think many people see the small change, but I really got happy because of it, I didn't have the usual, "I'm happy now but when will I not be?" Attitude, I was changed, and soon after that, I went for my mission trip, and I learnt alot about myself and them, I build bonds with farwen and ciao ping, and I knew so many little kids and it breaks my heart to know that they are more broken than I am, and at such a young age. All the broken homes and families, no fatherly love or motherly love, no one have the time for them and all they wanted was attention of one. I really wish there wasn't a problem and but it is, and I pray that God will sooner or later come into their life and bring that love and to give love. That's my 2012.. What's yours?