"It wasn't your fault"

When I saw that post while scrolling through my phone. My heart sank. It was my fault, I could have done better but I didn't. I screwed up. I messed up real bad, and the more I want to open up, the more I realize how alone I am again. All the people that says I will be there for you, makes you think I'm just gonna be a burden to share my problems with. I know I'm the  hypocrite here, but I can't help it, I force this ideals to people when I, myself, don't believe in it. I trust my own strength more than on others, and even God. I longed for Him, but I don't want to get close to Him, I feel so unworthy for His love and the love of others. I can't help it, my anxiety keeps coming back, pushing my depressed state to the back of my mind(depression is all in the mind right? To think and feel that I'm unworthy) has taken its toil on me, every feeling just rush back when I least expects it. Plus today was the closest I got, into a car accident but I didn't my heart beat even faster as I anticipated the collision but somehow my body pulled me back on the curb. I didn't feel scared at all, but thinking it through I would have given alot of people trouble, like those who almost saw the accident, those that thought they could have prevented it, and the people who couldn't be there for me. I hate myself, but I love them all. I longed for some sort of escape, and  I know death could be one but how much trouble it would have caused. I don't think I change, just that covering the pain got more harder. " Yes we don't walk away but when we got something precious, something we want to protect. We run, as fast as we can and don't look back" I want to find that something precious, something that I would cling on and run away with it. Its not my form of escapism, just my companion in my means of escaping.

I feel like, I can talk to people at the start and sooner or later we stop talking after they know me then they lost interest talking to me, but it's my fault too I can't connect well with people that well :/ I hope that changes

Thinking of all my "I could have", but somehow all I wish is to help you see what I see, and let you understand what I love about you.  Yet I know I may never have the chance to try again

I realize my words never helped anyone before, I wish I could use my words and help someone especially my cell and you. But all that said I can' do it, I really felt helpless knowing someone is all alone in the mind I can't be there for them, and I know first hand how it feels but I can't be there to help... it just sucks

i died just reading that.. but its not like I can say anything about it, I don't think i have the right

It sucks that I can't pray anymore, it's so hard to know that God is always listening. I mean why would he want to listen to me, I can't pray alone, I always need people to be around for me to know that He's there. All the unsaid words seem to be meant for people instead for God and I really hate that.

You know the feeling like "I wanna be productive and do something I like" or "I wanna try this". Sometimes, I see people being good at something, real or just shows, they had passion to do what they do. I always wanted that, and I know I'm lazy. But I know when I really wanna do it, I won't be lazy, thats why I'm waiting to find what I really want to do. People will say,"Oh, why don't you start finding it now instead of lazing around?" I guess its because I lost the inspiration and motivation to try. Now its the exam period and yet, I'm here using my comp. Hais, I wonder if I could get back my motivation soon. uh wellss