extreme tired one

So now, I'm having a hard time expressing how I feel. I can't find the courage or words to express them to anyone. I wanted to tell someone, but then they were all busy, or having fun or they just got their own lives that excluded me, for me to tell them how I felt. I hate bottling my feelings up, cos I keep forgetting why I'm like that, I forget the reason but the feelings stays. But that isn't why I am so down.. I've been feeling this 'new' feeling for days, my chest gets heavier even around people.I feel like I don't belong, or I'm just not part of anything. Maybe one day, I'll get use to the loneliness. Somehow, I feel like people only talk to me, when they need something, or just need some company. Sometime, I think people don't care about me anymore, sometimes I hope someone does. My thoughts aren't so straight now, all tangled up. I can't talk properly otp to my mom just now, I wanted to cry.. But I just stop that and talk "normally" then when she hang up, I felt to low. My whole chest feel so heavy and my head won't stop hurting. I'm already controlling my cutting since I promise her. But still.. the urge just stays on. chatbox person I kinda guess who you are now. I feel so helpless to feel like this.. but hais FISH, fuck it shit happens. Oh and my eoy was like shit tho I'm promoted, I failed my overall and I'm in the last 20 in my level so yay me.