So now, I'm having a hard time expressing how I feel. I can't find the courage or words to express them to anyone. I wanted to tell someone, but then they were all busy, or having fun or they just got their own lives that excluded me, for me to tell them how I felt. I hate bottling my feelings up, cos I keep forgetting why I'm like that, I forget the reason but the feelings stays. But that isn't why I am so down.. I've been feeling this 'new' feeling for days, my chest gets heavier even around people.I feel like I don't belong, or I'm just not part of anything. Maybe one day, I'll get use to the loneliness. Somehow, I feel like people only talk to me, when they need something, or just need some company. Sometime, I think people don't care about me anymore, sometimes I hope someone does. My thoughts aren't so straight now, all tangled up. I can't talk properly otp to my mom just now, I wanted to cry.. But I just stop that and talk "normally" then when she hang up, I felt to low. My whole chest feel so heavy and my head won't stop hurting. I'm already controlling my cutting since I promise her. But still.. the urge just stays on. chatbox person I kinda guess who you are now. I feel so helpless to feel like this.. but hais FISH, fuck it shit happens. Oh and my eoy was like shit tho I'm promoted, I failed my overall and I'm in the last 20 in my level so yay me.

Astronauts

They are very interesting people. They are in space, they have to trust people that's with them in the rocket. They have to put up with new, old, interesting people and they have to get use to each other. When they step out of the rocket in space, they have to face the fear of falling all the way back to earth. The fear that once they let go, they can't get back up but trust what others say that they will float. They visit places that not many have the chance to go, they experience struggles and success in one trip. It's like the temporally died and they know who would miss them, just by returning. They still communicate through phone calls and video chats but it isn't the same as facing each other in real life. The friends and family, close ones, they will have to let them go outer space, losing them for a period of time, treasuring them even more when they come back to Earth. Astronauts are like the campers of space..

Wouldn't it be nice? To have someone always by your side? They can be your friend, good friend, close or best friend. They could be your sister, brother even your parents. Guy or girl, just that someone you can turn to, and know they could turn to you too. Wouldn't that be nice? Don't you like the idea of that?  They simplicity of just having that friend to have your back from now till you both grow up and yet still be close as ever? They won't sell you out, they won't leave you for other friends? And you doing the same? One part dies in each of you two once you get separated, be it by choice or chance..  I had friends who were there for me for awhile but then they had their own lives and I wasn't part of it, some was because of difference in school and timing, some because they got bored with me and found interesting friends, some know me when they need me and forget me when they don't. Some saw me just another friend, I don't know whether I'm paranoid, or its true.. but people do leave and its hard to keep track of those who leave. It use to be nights that thoughts come in but now.. even in day around people, the thoughts don't leave