2012

Well, I'm in a bus at 6:11, thinking and reliving 2012 memories I had tried to kept. And.. It was awful, all the depressing thoughts, and suicidal tendencies at the start, the withdrawal in the middle but a change at the end. Well, I don't like talking about the start, it's now like a dream instead of reality for me. Plus I don't like talking about it. In the middle, I really could remember how numb I felt at that point of time and when I was talking to Dominic in McCafe, I think at that point of time I was faking emotions just for the day and when I'm at home, I'll die in my thoughts. And all the loneliness I feel, and the paranoia I had.. Even though I think I got through it, I know I can't help but not trust someone so easily. I know how it felt at that point of time, how it's like to just be sitting there hoping someone will just come over to my house and just give me a hug, all I needed was to know someone was there for me, and not just in words. I know it won't happen at that point of time because my friends at that point of time are superficial friends. I understood the pain and still is. I have so much to type, that I'll have to type later to regain my thoughts and feelings. 6:20. Now it's 6:23, and I just got back, now I get to the change, it was when Jon, me and jj wanted to go on a mission trip. But we didn't know which till the last day. I was afraid of the mission trip, how could someone so broken like me, go for one? Well, because of money prob at home, I was told I need to "work" in church to pay off what I owed for the trip. On the day I pass up my details, cord asked me to help out with batch camp as my "work" I agreed. And I was proud of it too. However I didn't know how much it changed me. Everytime we had a meeting, there would be laughters and joy, and also there would be worship and prayer, it was what I always needed but not know that I did need it. I needed joy, happiness, yet I needed prayer and worship to get close with God. Slowly without me knowing, I grew closer and I didn't felt as broken as before. I felt good, unbroken and strong. My faith grew deep and my coldness turned to happiness, I finally enjoy most people presence, but that doesn't mean I was ready for all, I still get agitated when people come over to my house, I just tend not to show it. Anw, as batch camps started and ended, I trusted in God more and learnt more about him through that. I didn't remembe about my start and middle, it was like a tale I told to myself. I felt so raw at that moment, no sadness and no brokenness in me. I don't think many people see the small change, but I really got happy because of it, I didn't have the usual, "I'm happy now but when will I not be?" Attitude, I was changed, and soon after that, I went for my mission trip, and I learnt alot about myself and them, I build bonds with farwen and ciao ping, and I knew so many little kids and it breaks my heart to know that they are more broken than I am, and at such a young age. All the broken homes and families, no fatherly love or motherly love, no one have the time for them and all they wanted was attention of one. I really wish there wasn't a problem and but it is, and I pray that God will sooner or later come into their life and bring that love and to give love. That's my 2012.. What's yours?

Extreme at both sides

I've been thinking what the evangelist casually said about me, when talking to us during our last lunch together as a group. He said that he could that some of us can control our emotions while some like me, would only be at the most extreme end of being peaceful and when I get angry, it goes the opposite extreme end. But that's scary, after thinking it through, I always have controlled my anger since my talk with my mom about my past anger issues. But I guess its true, because I bottled up and sometimes when I feel angry or sad, I would feel like destroying the whole place or cry it out. But I always  bottled it up again before I get to that part.. so cheers i guess

Christmas Is NEAR

Today's Christmas eve! Tmr Christmas! Yesterday(Sunday) we had a sermon on the meaning of Christmas, its really cool how its explained, that Christmas is a reminder that God haven't left us, and its showing God's initiative to come to us in Christ. Theres many ways I wanted to spend Christmas eve, but I guess I'm gonna go the beach, go to my spot, light candles, and just reflect, stone, listen to music and rest there. Hmm I never really properly celebrated Christmas, I know there's gift exchange, and santa claus, a christmas tree, but I never experience one before, maybe next time:) christmas sweaters look really nice and festive tho. This year, I realize my family don't normally celebrate any special occassions, even if they tried  with National Day. hahalol

Mission Trip, Chiang Rai

Chiang Rai was AWESOME, I didn't really felt God's presence there, but I know it was there. It felt great waking up to do something for God, and how there was a group of people-friends, over there to do it with you. The weather over there was super cool, literally. One night while we were worshipping under the stars, it was 12 degrees! but its cool, pun intended. The children at maesalonai(idk how to spell) and the teenagers in mechan Church, were awesome! Felt so welcome and loved there. Then at the Akkar village, I really feel for them, the teenagers has nothing much to do in the holidays so they smoke and drink sometimes drug their time away. And the children that we played with there, someday will do the same.. however there's 4 churches, and they were ONE once, so I pray that one day they will reunite and help the village:/ I really can't take how much the children need love, compassion and more, but there's no way for them to find out about it, in their situation, I really pray God will be there, watching over  them.

We all are hiding something

Its kinda scary but its true. Maybe its good maybe its bad, but its still hiding. Hmm, i ain't really hiding anything. I just don't find the need to show them around. Somehow, I got a sudden drop in my chest just now. It felt so scary, cos since the start of preparation of batch camp, I don;t seem to have a problem. And at the end of my batch camp, I thought I made peace within myself and God and the burden. I feel so muddled up in my head right now. Plus controlling myself for a long time now.