"It wasn't your fault"

When I saw that post while scrolling through my phone. My heart sank. It was my fault, I could have done better but I didn't. I screwed up. I messed up real bad, and the more I want to open up, the more I realize how alone I am again. All the people that says I will be there for you, makes you think I'm just gonna be a burden to share my problems with. I know I'm the  hypocrite here, but I can't help it, I force this ideals to people when I, myself, don't believe in it. I trust my own strength more than on others, and even God. I longed for Him, but I don't want to get close to Him, I feel so unworthy for His love and the love of others. I can't help it, my anxiety keeps coming back, pushing my depressed state to the back of my mind(depression is all in the mind right? To think and feel that I'm unworthy) has taken its toil on me, every feeling just rush back when I least expects it. Plus today was the closest I got, into a car accident but I didn't my heart beat even faster as I anticipated the collision but somehow my body pulled me back on the curb. I didn't feel scared at all, but thinking it through I would have given alot of people trouble, like those who almost saw the accident, those that thought they could have prevented it, and the people who couldn't be there for me. I hate myself, but I love them all. I longed for some sort of escape, and  I know death could be one but how much trouble it would have caused. I don't think I change, just that covering the pain got more harder. " Yes we don't walk away but when we got something precious, something we want to protect. We run, as fast as we can and don't look back" I want to find that something precious, something that I would cling on and run away with it. Its not my form of escapism, just my companion in my means of escaping.